Coming From A Place Of Complete And Total Honesty

Thursday, May 30, 2013

I can’t keep up my brave face any longer, pregnancy is hard! Before anyone reads any extra into this, please don’t get me wrong – I am extremely grateful to be pregnant. I have wanted to be a mother my ENTIRE life and I am thrilled that God has blessed me with the most amazing gift ever. I know without a doubt that I will love this baby for all of eternity and not a day goes by that I don’t realize that this is a gift. But with this gift comes an awful lot of responsibility, fears, emotions and downright pain.

I’m writing this after spending the majority of the night tossing and turning and finally throwing in the towel at 4:30 a.m. (thank you DVR for recording the series finale of SMASH so I had something to keep me entertained while I watched the clock click forward). Sleep escapes me more nights than I can actually catch it. Up until now, it hasn’t bothered me because I haven’t felt sleepy during the day because of my lack of z’s. But after this very sleepless night, I felt I needed to put my feelings down in writing. Maybe this will help me feel better; maybe this will help any of you to feel better knowing that you are not alone.

I have officially reached the point in my pregnancy where I am just uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter what I do, how I lay, how I turn, if I do the correct stretches; there just doesn’t seem to be enough room in my womb for my little one. I feel constant pressure and I just can’t get comfortable. And it’s tough. I only have 6 and a half more weeks left, I can do anything for that long right? That’s what I keep telling myself, but when I’m extremely uncomfortable other thoughts start to creep in. And the majority of those thoughts are around labor and delivery. If I am this uncomfortable now, how am I going to handle the actual birthing process?

I have some other thoughts too…will I be a good mother? I have the best role model ever in my very own mother, so I sure hope some of what she taught me makes its way into raising my little girl. I like to think that my parents raised a pretty great lady in me, hopefully I can take everything they taught me/showed me/instilled in me and use that to shape a daughter with great character.

…will I still be close to my single friends? Two of my very best girl friends are living extremely different lives from me right now and I am terrified that our relationships will change. Yes, of course they will change, but I am hoping that change doesn’t mean never seeing them. We can lead different lives and still be good friends, that way we can learn from each other.

…will I lose the baby weight? It is EXTREMELY tough to see my weight climbing each week. Yes, I’m growing a human inside of me and yes I’m supposed to gain weight, but that doesn’t make it any less tough. Especially when I wanted to lose weight before I even got pregnant.

…when my little one is here, will I be brave enough to seek advice? There are so many stories out there of moms being competitive and judging others. And since I am learning each and every day that I have so much more to learn about parenthood, I am nervous about how I will handle the task.

…will there be enough money?

…will I be able to constantly be present in my daughter’s life?

…can I give my daughter the life I dreamed of for her?

…will I love myself at the end of the day or be totally ashamed when I see my bad habits being repeated right in front of me?

…is there still a place for me in the workplace?

These are my questions, my fears. No matter how trivial they seem to you, they are real. The only thing that gets me through is constant prayer. Prayer brings me closer to God, gives me peace and helps me get a better handle on things. Becoming a parent is extremely scary, but I am so lucky to have an amazing support system in my incredible husband and my family. Ladies, your husband won’t fully understand everything you are going through, how could he? But be sure to use him, turn to him when you feel like you can’t do it anymore. He’s your partner in raising your children and will be there to rub your back, tell you you’re beautiful and to place his hands on your belly and pray for you. At least that’s what Tolar does for me and I am so incredibly thankful.

So this post doesn’t have any pictures yet, so I’m sharing this one. This is a picture that will keep me going during these last several weeks of pregnancy. It’s of my nephew, who I love so much and who makes me want to bring several children into this world, if they can all be just like him.


  1. I am (was) right there with you. In all honesty I hated being pregnant. Not my children inside of me, not that I was growing my baby, but what pregnancy did to me and how it made me feel hated it . I was on Zofran for all 3, I couldn't stop vomiting the whole time. I LOVE my children and I didn't even get to spend as much time with Carter when he was here as when he was in my belly, so those are some of the highlights of that pregnancy. He was healthy in my belly and kicking and growing, even knowing that pregnancy was hard.
    Questioning if you will be a good mom, only means you are deciding to put enough effort into being a good mom!! It's not easy, but man is it easier than being pregnant, for me that is.
    Other moms don't typically like waking up every two hours to breastfeed, or the baby crying more than usual, but those I loved because I felt good (not being pregnant and all) I could deal with those and loved 89.99% of them. ;)
    I worked part time for the first year, and hated every minute of it. All I wanted was to be with her and we worked a few things out and now I am home. It was the right decision for us, but it's not for everyone. I can't wait to continue your journey with you. I hope this gives you some kind of comfort/comradery. For me it got easier, I hope it does for you as well!

    Hailey | Love, Laughter and Lipstick

  2. ~Lindsay my love ~
    Of course our lives will change...and we will grow and change together. I look at your life, sometimes, and think "man, I wish I had that." You have a wonderful husband who loves you with a baby on the way. I'm sittin' here single and we see each other! You are my very best friend! You could have 100 children and I promise you that we will still see each other. I will make sure of it. I know the code to your house :)
    ~You are an amazing woman and I know that you are going to be an amazing mother. You are beautiful inside and out. You and Tolar are going to raise your children wonderfully.
    The things you are feeling right now, I'm sure every new parent has felt (not that I would know).
    ~You can't read into the future, but you can focus on the NOW! When you feel yourself start to freak out, just think about all those cute little girl clothes up in her room and how adorable she's going to look in them. Don't worry about her 16th birthday party, high school/college just yet. Just keep in mind that in July you are going to have a beautiful baby girl who is going to love you entirely and that you will love right back - all at first sight!
    ~I love you Bestie! xoxo

  3. I'm going on a limb and guessing I'm the other single girl in your life :) And I've actually been thinking the same thing as you--how can I help Lindsay and connect with her when our lives are on a completely different page. But regardless of how many beautiful kids you have and how many adorable doggies I have, we have a friendship and memories that will last forever! No matter how many anniversaries you celebrate with Tolar, you will always be the girl who asked "have you ever licked a big one?" and the best TONY awards date EVER!!! You have my complete support in everything you do and I know that you constantly pray for me and Erica to have all of the same blessings as you. And when you start freaking out about labor just remember that you survived the Warrior Dash, you've survived the crazy month of October at STC for over 5 years and you survived horrifically hard and painful training sessions with Kat. You got this! And you have an amazing support system of family and friends to help.

  4. I'm so proud of you. You are in such a hard phase right now. You are doing great and you are right where you are supposed to be. One of my favorite quotes about parenthood is "the days are long, but the years are so short." Right now your nights are long and will continue to be after the baby comes; but when you look back on this time it will seem like the blink of an eye. Hang in there! I know you can do this.

  5. Pregnancy is hard. I felt guilty most of my pregnancy b/c we tried so long and I hated being pregnant w/ Sarah. My pregnancy w/ AJ once I got past the sickness was easy. I was also 22 and started out 20lbs lighter and much healthier. It's hard and God tells us bearing children will be hard. With AJ, I hadan epidural and actually enjoyed labor and can remember the ssecond I saw her. I was looking forward to that with Sarah, but didn't get it. Natural labor and painful, don't remember seeing her or holding her the 1st time b/c I was in so much pain, but Dave has pics. I was much more confident and have enjoyed the 1st few weeks w/ her more than I did w/ AJ. You will be sore for awhile after, but meds and ice help that. Get through the 1st couple weeks and sleep when she sleeps! Parenthood is hard. Mommy guilt is real. But if you love her and spend real/time with her, you will be her world and there is nothing better. And from what I've seen of you and Tolar, that won't be a problem. :)

    1. Totally random but your comment caught my eye.. my name is Sarah and my younger brother is AJ!

  6. I'm not at the point of total discomfort yet, for me that will come in August during back to school time, which as a teacher I'm sure will be hellish, but I completely understand all of those other feelings. Some mornings I get up and the very first thing I think of is whether I will be able to do enough/provide enough for my baby girl and sometimes I start to panic a little that I'll never be ready. For me, raising a girl today seems a whole lot harder than raising a boy and that haunts me constantly. I think and hope this is normal and I am so glad that you shared your feelings. Sometimes it's hard to figure out that anyone else is thinking the same thing when all you see are the cute bumps, adorable baby clothes, and sweet baby toes. Thank you for keeping it real and know that you are not alone.

  7. Those are some normal thoughts...your fears and being uncomfortable. i remember with my first child i was soooooo scared... i was like what am I doing with a live baby who is depending on me. But the awesome thing about God is that he gives us instincts. You will know. I remember my mom telling me those words....You will know what to do. Whether it be going on your gut or just simply asking someone for help or a question. Your life will be forever changed but for the great. You will have this beautiful person who will love you and depend on you no matter what. There are going to be some days that you feel so tired or feel frustrated, but I swear to you when you see that face you are going to be like, this is worth it!

    I have 12 weeks to go and I am can't sleep either...I get up at the same time 2 am.

    But these concerns and fears just proves that you are going to be a great mom!

  8. Oh Lindsay, I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I don't really have any great words of wisdom or anything but I just want to tell you that I'm praying for you! I just know you're going to be a wonderful mom!

  9. I think it is 100% normal to have these thoughts and fears and I am SO glad you are opening up about this because the one thing I have learned about pregnancy is that it is a LOT harder than I expected. Everyday I am reminded how lucky I am to be experiencing this miracle from God but wow....lots of aches and pains come with that miracle! I have had a rough go about and honestly the thing that gets me through is the fact that the pain is fleeting. My feet won't always hurt, my back won't always yell at me, and I won't always have 25 extra pounds right in my tummy (okay maybe!) and how often is it that we go through such pain to receive such a wonderful gift? I will be praying for comfort for you for the next 6 weeks... I know they are going to be tough but SO WORTH IT!

  10. Bless your heart! I think all moms feel the same fears. It's TERRIFYING to be responsible for another person and their development. As scary as it is when you first soothe your baby or when she smiles at you for the first time or wraps her little arms around you all that doesn't matter so much.

    It'll be work, but I think you'll be a great mom simply just because you're always going to be checking in with yourself about how you're parenting.

  11. My sweet friend! Praying steadily for you! Have you tried prenatal yoga class? I know its odd to some people and some Christians are weirded out about yoga but let me tell you, it could save your sanity. I've been to some (although not pregnant) and have a bunch of friends who teach them and although you're not sleeping, the rest is GREAT! They also sometimes teach something called Yoga Nidra which is basically awake sleep if that makes sense. I don't sleep much but practicing yoga nidra has saved my life (literally from falling asleep at the wheel) and my sanity! Check it out! But I know God will do great things through you and will give you what you need when you need it!

    Also, you're going to be a FANTASTIC mom because you're already a fantastic friend! :)

  12. Awww sweetie!! I'm saying prayers for you and sending virtual hugs from SC!!!

    Being a mommy is definitely hard work BUT it's also the most rewarding job in the world! If you're not scared, nervous, all of the emotions... I would be surprised!!

    You will be so surprised at how much being a mommy will make you grown even further as a woman! God knows just what we need to uphold us, to strengthen us, and to make us great moms. Hang in there sweetie!!!! Your little girl is going to be the luckiest girl to have a mom who is already conscious about being a mother who is there for her as an example of a Godly woman!!

  13. i really loved this post lindsay. i'm tucking it away for when i'm at the same point in my life. stay strong.. we may never have all the answers and maybe that's better. xoxo

  14. You are not at all alone, and I think a lot of the stuff you're feeling now is normal. I had many of the same thoughts!! I know it's really difficult right now, and the crazy stuff our bodies go through during pregnancy is no joke, but I promise you, it will be a distant memory when you're holding beautiful little Pinky in your arms! So glad that you have such a loving husband and great friends by your side as you go through this. Love and hugs, friend! xo

  15. I can't even imagine being pregnant! It seems pretty rough and it's okay to vent about it even though you know you are going to love what comes of this whole process. I have a feeling I'd be miserable!! Just last week I met my friend in Vegas. She is 7 1/2 mo pregnant and she had more energy then I did. I don't know how she did it. On her feet, staying up all night. She is some kind of mutant woman but I think it's more the norm to feel the way you do.

  16. Like you, all I ever wanted growing up was to find a wonderful man, get married and have children! Like you, my dreams came true and I gave birth to my 1st child, also a girl, your "bestie" almost 30 years ago! Knowing what a wonderful woman you are, there is no question in my mind you and your daughter will be best friends just like my daughter and I are now! Focus on one day at a time! There will always be plenty of mac & cheese, chicken nuggets and fish sticks to go around! Trust your instincts! You're instincts will always guide you when it comes to you and your family! While pregnant with this daughter of mine, I developed a kidney stone and was hospitalized a few weeks before my due date! All I kept thinking was, "She is preparing me for the future!" I was right! I love you Lindsay and you will be a "Super Star" Mom just like you are a friend. Your sleepless nights are just beginning, hold on tight you will be having a lifetime of these!

  17. Don't worry, you are not the only one who feels this way. Pregnancy is extremely tough. I had a pretty rough one even though I didn't get morning sickness. I had sciatic pain after a while and OMG trying to sit, lay or anything was so horrible. I was so happy when I went into labor early and was able to get the epidural. I was finally able to sleep after not having slept in over 24 hours.


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